Spring 2008

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Out of the Cesspool of Perpetual Moil
Poetic Classroom Management Techniques

by Louise Waronek

In approximately three minutes, the poor lunchroom supervisor will be feeling the grave effects of exigent exponents and stubborn statistics, and I, alone, will be responsible—responsible for the chaotic aftermath of a demoralizing math test my grade eight students are struggling to complete. Katie has chewed her pencil right down to the lead, Nina’s hair is twisted into a double knot, and I heard David whisper an obscene word, which, of course, I pretended not to hear. Soon their time will be up. The lunch bell is set to ring and I need a serious plan for diversion before the lunchroom supervisor is caught off guard and my students take out their frustration on her and her domain.

So among slamming books and sighs of disgust, I begin...

Well class, I know this was a tough test, but I’m telling you, it can’t be as difficult as standing up here at the front of the classroom, feeling as naked as some of the charts that I’m required to teach you in regards to a certain unit in (quoting fingers) “health” education. What I’m trying to say is that...

It may be embarrassing to listen and sit
But it’s a lot more horrifying to have to teach it
Because I know the entire class of grade eight students
Is wondering if I know the subject by experience!

The lunchroom supervisor better appreciate this. To my chagrin, there is only silence at first. Then groans and moans are combined with expressions of “Oh, sick...” and “Gross!” and then finally—laughter. It was effective, yet I need reinforcement.

And maybe, if you felt that you didn’t do well on this test, in the future, maybe you should learn from the experience of one of my former students...

Why did Sue do so poorly
On the latest science test?
She studied and studied and studied so hard
She thought she did her best,
She read the textbook from cover to cover
She even pulled an all-nighter,
But her teacher laughed, “You won’t learn a thing,
By using a black highlighter!”

And just to force the issue and bring it home...

And by the way, if you and your family are heading out to see the lions and elephants this weekend...
Don’t go to the zoo on a windy day
Take some advice from someone who knows
Don’t stand downwind when feeding the deer
For it’ll rain warm when the cold wind blows.

I believe I did it. I believe I just diverted a catastrophe of impending food fights and verbal assassination on behalf of the unsuspecting lunchroom supervisor. With that last rhyme I could almost guarantee that no student was fretting about the brutal math exam they completed just moments ago.

The decision to break out short, humorous and melodic rhymes as my choice of weapon in the ongoing battlefield of middle-years classroom management was the right one at the right time—but I began to wonder as I reveled in my success, was it the humour that saved the lunchroom from impending doom or was it the rhythm and rhyme?

In reference to rhythmic poetry, author William Baer wrote, “For millennia, poets and literary theorists have generally assumed that the natural pleasure derived from this underlying rhythm relates to various aspects of the natural world: the waves of the ocean, the inhale and exhale of the human breath, and, most significantly, the human heartbeat.” I assume, then, it is safe to say that melodic poetry is naturally good for students. But somehow, methinks that Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s “How do I love Thee...” wouldn’t quite cut it after a grueling math test.

It’s also essential to note that many medical reports tout laughter as the key to easing muscle tension as it reduces the level of stress hormones, which in turn, reduces psychological stress. Elizabeth Scott, M.S. at About.com also notes that laughter improves the immune system, which, in turn, results in fewer physical effects of stress. Combining a dominant beat with catchy rhymes highlighting subject matter that usually includes offensive bodily functions, statements of anti-authority and pestering sarcasm, will provide an intuitive teacher a stress relief program tailored to the middle-years classroom—sort of a literary yoga for teens. So go on, tell them your story...

I decided to take an art class
My assignment was to paint
The portrait of a person in my life
Who would epitomize a saint
So of course, I chose my mother
Cause she’s as heavenly as they come
And she was proud to help me out
And sat until I was done
I showed her my completed portrait
Said, “I hope you think I’m artistic...”
But when she saw that I had painted a nude
My mother went ballistic!

Whether you choose to seek out works of comedic poets or take the pen to the paper and attempt to write humorous poetry for your own classroom, try to keep your audience in mind. Keep it short, simple, sing-songy and sarcastic. To quote Sid Ceaser, “Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.”

So as the lunch bell rang and my students happily shuffled out the door, I yelled out—
“Oh, and if you’re having Jell-O for lunch, just remember the story of Jenny and Rose...

Jenny, the Jersey cow, won’t eat my jelly mold
Says it reminds her of someone she knows,
(She must suspect that my gelatin dish
Is made from her best friend, Rose.)

Of course, only the students who know that gelatin is made from cow bones, hooves and connective tissue will get that rhyme, but hey, always leave them wanting more. And as I sat at my desk laughing at the fact that modern day teachers (and lunchroom supervisors) can now add comedians and satirical poets to their long list of job descriptions, I wonder how much a stand-up comic would actually earn annually and if there would be room for one more in this world.

Resources
About.com - http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/laughter/htm
Writing Metrical Poetry, Contemporary Lessons for Mastering Traditional Forms by William Baer

Louise Waronek is a former teacher, currently writing freelance works that include a short story in Homemakers Magazine. Her manuscript entitled, “A Cesspool of Perpetual Moil: Poems of Observation and Situation for the Entire Family” is currently under construction. You can contact her at l.waronek@sasktel.net