They May Just Be Sad Kids

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Death, separation, divorce and other life-altering losses are unfortunately a part of today’s society and our classrooms. Grief is a natural human reaction to any important loss, yet it can have a profound impact on the youth it touches. Society seems afraid of grief—doesn’t understand it, is confused how to respond to it and consequently is often unable to support the bereaved. Our students who have experienced loss often become silent mourners who can not function normally because of their pain and confusion.

My students at the Barrie Learning Centre include nearly 100 at-risk youth between the ages of 18 and 20. They are masterful with disguise. At first blush, they fool me into thinking that they are healthy, well adjusted people—some even gifted. As the semester wears on, however, the layers of their problems begin to un-peel like an onion: the drugs, the health issues, the learning disabilities, the unfortunate living arrangements and the chronic shortage of funds. The masterful disguise uncloaks.

What is it they have masked? It almost seems to be too simple to attribute such a broad array of difficulties to grief, but if the shoe fits… Ninety-eight percent (not measured to any degree of statistical error) of my students have experienced the loss of a parent or significant other—sometimes several times over. Good grief?

In the past, a “real” education was one that was heavily content-driven. My dad speaks about how things have changed since he was at school in the one-room school house, when teachers taught reading, writing and arithmetic. It seemed that the schools met the needs of the community and prepared youth for their futures.

This model no longer applies. Today, a relevant education is one that also teaches children emotional literacy. Grief is one emotion that can be misunderstood, or perhaps neglected.

A misunderstanding of grief can often manifest itself in drug and alcohol abuse or misuse, poor relationships, school dropout and academic struggles. Drugs, poor relationships and academic failure seem to cloak the real core problems of mistrust, isolation and rejection.

One of my female students, “Jane Doe,” explained that her father abandoned the family. She and her brother did not understand why their father had left and believed that their father left because their mother made him leave. The family was struck by a traumatic loss. If this loss had been a death, the community would come together to comfort the family, to offer kind words, to remind the family of the wonderful things that they would remember about their father. People would understand that the family was grieving. This loss, however, was not a death. In fact, the nature of the loss was somewhat of an embarrassment. Rather than receiving help and resources from the community, the grief was buried…unresolved.

Unresolved grief can lead to anger and frustration. Jane explained that she was confused at to why her father didn’t love her anymore. She was angry at her mother. Jane explained that, “it was easier to blame the separation on my mother than to think that my father left because of me.” The most common reason that the students at my school left school originally was because they needed to move out of their houses. They experienced significant relationship problems with their parents. Many of the students now understand that they are better off living at home but have great troubles relating to their parents. Over 50% of my students have struggled with anger management issues over the course of their lives. To understand the source of one’s anger is often the key to resolving the anger.

As she grew older, Jane struggled with allowing herself to trust others. She explained, “…it was hard to believe in people. It was, and continues to be, much easier to not have friends.” She was afraid to believe in people and in herself. Her relationships were short term only. As soon as the relationship seemed to need to move to a different level of trust, she left. She did not want to get hurt again. These short-term relationships, compounded with her feelings of abandonment, caused Jane to believe that no one really cared about her. She explained, “If I were special someone would care.” Jane struggled with depression. A disproportionate number of my students have been diagnosed with depression and an even larger number of my students have been admitted to hospital as a result of suicide attempts. It seems that unresolved grief grows to create more loss—and more grief. One fuels the other until the machine spins out of control and something has to give.

Three of Jane’s close friends died: two committed suicide and one was killed. Her feelings of abandonment and depression grew more intense. She isolated herself from friends, from school, from relationships. Jane quit her local school—“the teachers just did not understand…”

What brought Jane to The Barrie Learning Centre? It seems that school comes to represent “the path” that may lead them out of their desperation. Most students come to my school to “just get their credits and move on with their lives.”

What keeps them at my school? Most students stay at school because it becomes a warm and cozy place where they can take calculated risks and try on new understandings without fear of criticism. We, the teachers, tell the students, “get your personal ducks in order and the marks will fall into place.” We do not like to define ourselves as a credit-issuing institution, although that is the bread-and-butter of our centre. We teach academics to the face, but emotional literacy through the back door. Our students seem to really connect when we validate their feelings of isolation, mistrust, and rejection. They are, as Jane put it, “relieved to hear it is normal to feel angry and depressed” as a consequence of loss. I tell them they are “normal.” I can see some of the weight being lifted off their shoulders.

Unresolved grief creates its own culture and its own isolation. To be able to understand someone from the culture of unresolved grief, one must recognize that they must learn an entire new language, way of thinking, dress, and behaviour. To reach my students I have to show them that I am not threatening, that I care and am empathetic to their situation.

My job as a teacher is to help my students get their “ducks in a row” so that they not only move on with their lives but succeed. It is a “person first” approach and it seems to work.

Grief is not the end unto itself. Its impact can create cement shoes that prevent one from moving forward and meeting their full potential. It is the resolution of grief that frees the chains and can inspire wings. I believe, we as teachers and mentors, can loosen the chains and help our students take flight.

The following behaviours may be seen with youth who have experienced loss [i]:
• Frequent displays of anger/aggression—verbal or physical;
• Withdrawal from school activities, sports and friends;
• Difficulty concentrating—often daydreaming;
• Homework assignments not completed;
• Absent from school more often;
• Sadness, lethargy, apathy, depression;
• Declining marks.

Ways a teacher can lessen the burden of grief for single parent children [i]:
• Be aware of your own attitude and feelings—children are acutely perceptive and sensitive, especially at this time of their lives. Avoid statements implying “family” includes mother and father.
• Teach feeling words in the classroom—it helps the children describe their own feelings and is beneficial to all children.
• Be aware of gift giving and gift making—the child should be allowed to decide for whom the gift is made and given; you may want to say the gift if for an important adult in their life. Be particularly careful around Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc.
• Stay out of custody battles.
Be supportive of the parent’s situation—try to understand that at this difficult time in their lives and they may not be able to focus on their children’s needs and school environment.
• Don’t blame all problems on living in a single parent family—the crisis period is normally 18 months.
• Be sensitive to communications and letters going home—avoid Dear Parents, never assume last names are the same, caretaker may be a grandparent or foster care family.
• Provide opportunities to talk with children alone—they desperately need a significant adult to listen to them and to trust. Affirm the child’s statements. Be empathetic and supportive. Help the child verbalize his/her feelings. Continually remind them that you care and are there if they want to talk or need a hug.
• Don’t bring up sensitive issues in front of the class—it may not be appropriate to study books on death or a family involved in a divorce.
• Be careful not to break the child’s confidentiality – at this time it is difficult for the children to trust adults again.

i Suzy Yehl Marta, Founder of Rainbows International and author of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope.

For further information, please contact Rainbows @ 1-877-403-2733 or visit www.rainbows.ca.

Stacey LePage is a Secondary School Teacher at the Barrie Learning Centre in Barrie, ON who works with young adults. Stacey is also a member of the Rainbows Canada Governing Board. Rainbows, a national not-for-profit organization, provides a peer support program to help youth who have experienced grief following a life-altering loss. The program is offered through school and community sites across the country. This is the first of a two-part series.