What We Don’t Discuss: Helping Children Understand Death

To download a pdf copy of the magazine click here: DOWNLOAD

Miss Saunders, what does it mean when someone dies? The question that every teacher and parent dreads. It’s a difficult question to answer for a number of reasons. Death is such a mystery to us all and we have so many questions of our own, that it’s hard to appropriately and honestly answer the inquiries of a small child. Secondly, we don’t want to upset or frighten children with the realities of life and death when we feel they are too young to be exposed. Third, and perhaps most troublesome for us, we just don’t know the words to use.

There are a number of things that children need to know about death to avoid confusion about what death is. Teachers need to be cognizant of terminology and language and should try not to “sugar coat” death just to make it easier or less painful. Euphemisms only delay inevitable understanding that can actually be more difficult for children. There are also opportunities for parents and teachers to model fearlessness to students. Not fearlessness of death, but fearlessness of fearful questions. I want to show my students for example, that I’m not afraid to talk about things that scare me. I want them to know that even I have questions about things in my life and in the world, and it sometimes helps to discuss them. There are five points about death that I believe we need to discuss with children. It is not always easy to explain these aspects in terms that children will understand. Below are the five points and some words you might use to explain them to children.

1. Death is universal.

Children must understand that death occurs all over the world and to all living things. Death is not isolated to people, or to animals, or to certain people. Everyone dies, and children must understand that death is a part of life, just as birth is.

Everything that is alive will eventually die. Dying is just a part of living no matter who you are, or where you live, or anything else. Being born is the beginning of someone or something’s life and dying is the end.

2. Death is inevitable.

Death is something that no one can escape. Despite how much praying a person may do, or how a person acts, or what a person eats, or medicine they can be given, there is nothing that can stop living things from dying. Dying is something that always comes with life and is inevitable for all living things; it is part of the life cycle.

Because dying is a part of living, it is something that will happen to each of us in our lives. It doesn’t matter what we do, how we act, what we eat, or anything else. There are things that we can do to that may help us live longer, like being safe, eating healthy, exercising and sometimes medicine, but no one can live forever no matter what they do.

3. Death is irreversible.

Children, especially young children, often think that death is reversible. They think that when someone dies, they are sleeping or going away, and that they will return. Children may have to be told over and over, but it is necessary for them to hear that when a body dies, it doesn’t start working again.

When people die, their bodies shut down. When someone’s body is shut down, it doesn’t start up again. People who have died do not start living again. We may be sad and miss them very much, but thinking about them and picturing them in our thoughts can sometimes help us to get through our sadness and remember them forever.

4. Death occurs for definite, concrete reasons.

Children sometimes fear that their own thoughts or actions may have caused someone to die. They may also fear that they themselves will die, but not understand there is a reason for dying. Children need to be told that death can happen from old age and illness, or accidents, but that there is always an actual reason that someone’s body stops working.

There is always a reason for someone dying. It may be because they had an accident, or because they had a sickness that was too strong to be fixed. People can’t die because of something that someone thought, or wished. People can’t die from something that someone says.

5. Death is not defeat or the enemy.

Children are not born to fear death. Fear of death may be something that is instilled in them from a very young age. We naturally fear the unknown, and death has a lot of unknown aspects. I believe it is important that children not see death as failure, defeat, punishment, or losing a battle. Death can occur at any time, but is a part of life, not the result of failure, or evil. It is a natural occurrence.

Death is not something that happens to people because they are good or bad. When someone dies, it is not because they didn’t want to live, or because they didn’t try hard enough to live. Death is not a bad or evil person or thing. Death is a part of life.

Explaining what happens to a body when it dies is helpful in the child’s understanding of the five concepts. We can explain in the following way:

When someone dies, that means their body stops working. They don’t need to eat, or sleep, or use the bathroom, and they don’t feel hot or cold or happy or sad. Their heart stops beating, and their breathing stops. When someone dies, their body can no longer hear or see or feel or smell or taste.

Children often worry about the person who has died being cold or scared buried in the ground. They may feel that the person is hungry or lonely. To be honest, I don’t think those feelings are isolated to children. Even myself, an adult with a clear understanding of death, have had a sad and sick feeling in my stomach about someone being buried in the ground. Fortunately, as an adult, I can remind myself that the person or animal has no feeling. Children may not have that rational thought, and it can be quite disturbing for them. It’s important for them to be told that all bodily functions stop when a person dies, and that the body no longer thinks or cries, etc. It may be useful to use comparisons for children to understand the death of the body, comparing a body to a flower or other living things. Some people explain it with analogies that children can understand, from toys that are broken and can’t be fixed, to peanut shells without the peanut inside. Real life examples can help children to understand, as long as they can understand analogies and make comparisons. Seeing a dead insect, or fish, or bird, helps them understand the finality of death and understand what death looks like.

One of the best ways to teach children about death is to make use of some of the children’s books that are available. It’s hard to find the right words to explain death, and books often depict it with beautiful, non-threatening phrasing and pictures. Books can be followed up by questions and discussions during which children share their own thoughts about the book and maybe even personal experience. I cannot stress enough the value of a good discussion, and how meaningful it is for all students and for the teacher as well.

This article is an excerpt from What We Don’t Discuss: A Teachers Guide to Death and Dying, a new resource available from Pacific Edge Publishing, see www.PacificEdgePublishing.com.

Laura Saunders is a teacher in the Halifax Regional School Board, and has worked in Palliative Care and as a Grief Counselor for children and adults dealing with loss. She began to recognize the need for teacher education on the topic of death while becoming a teacher, having no education or even discussions on the topic during her training. She is the author of What We Don’t Discuss: A Teacher’s Guide to Death and Dying, and educates teachers and pre-service teachers through seminars and workshops.