Fall 2004

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Bully Proofing

by Beverly Brookman

I think we’re at a crucial time at which we, as a society, have got to take stock of how we treat kids, how we treat one another and how we teach our children to treat one another. Coloroso, 2002

Teaching our students and ourselves how to live safely and co-operatively is and has been a personal mission for me. Today, more than ever, I believe the most crucial learning for our young people is that of love and respect for one’s self, personal safety and respect for others.

My work has been to provide an opportunity for teachers and children to examine the dynamics of bullying with the aim of promoting respect, responsibility and safety through confidence and assertive action.

I work from a basic assumption that we, the caregivers, want children to feel good about themselves, to feel empowered to set boundaries and to act responsibly by treating each other with respect and dignity.

When children talk about their experiences with bullying they can develop understanding of the dynamics of power involved in a bullying situation and the empathy needed to make safe choices for themselves.

The goal is to have children learn the assertiveness skills necessary to feel confident and to be able to stand up for themselves, and equally important, to be able to stand up for their peers.

Parents, teachers and caregivers can teach children ways to feel good about themselves, to get along with others, and to treat each other with respect and dignity.

Violence is any act that takes away a person’s dignity and leads to a sense of hopelessness or helplessness. Martin Luther King Jr.

I have learned that children have a willingness to speak of their experiences, thoughts and feelings as together we seek to understand what is happening when children bully each other.

There are three participants in a bullying situation, each with different feelings, thoughts and goals:

One bullies

One observes

One receives

Describe the first participant as the person who bullies, rather than “the bully.” If we label a child a bully, we are making a judgement about the child rather than the behaviour they chose to use. Although it may seem unimportant, the choice of word allows us to recognize that the behaviour can be changed. The goal of this work is to enable all three children to change their behaviour, thus the person who receives or is bullied, is used to describe a child rather than “the victim.” The sometimes forgotten one is the person or people who observe. The observers are often the ones with the most power to change or influence the situation when bullying is happening.

When children and adults understand the dynamics of power involved in bullying and as they learn to empathize with the participants in the triangle of bullying, they will be more able change their behaviour.

As teachers, we know we can change behaviour. Children can learn to do things differently. We want children to choose not to ridicule or bully. We want children to learn to stand up for themselves, and perhaps more difficult, we want children to learn to stand up for the rights of other children who are insulted, teased or harassed.

Basic principles underlying this work

• We all have a right to respect and dignity.
• We can stand up for others in our community.
• Bullying is a form of abuse and as with all forms of abuse, the more we talk about it and bring it into the open, the less power it will have.
• There are three perspectives involved in a triangle of bullying—the person who bullies, the person who receives and the person who observes.
• It is important to separate the person from the behaviour in our language. When we label a person a bully or a victim, there is an implication of judgement
• rather than an opening for change in behaviour.
• It is valuable to describe the behaviour rather than the person.
• It is possible to change behaviour.

Children will not easily have the courage to stand up to a person who bullies unless they have had a chance to talk through their feelings and hear that others have similar feelings. The conversation causes the bullying or abuse to lose some of its power because children will have more understanding of what is happening. The silence is broken.

One of the central issues to address is power and powerlessness. We want to empower the children to feel confident to help create the kind of environment, playground or community where they feel safe. They deserve that and we, as adults, need to assure them that this is what we want as well. Brookman 1999

Practice prepares children to use a variety of strategies at different times, depending on the situation. When children have the confidence and skill to declare their boundaries, they can change the growing tendency of kids to be mean to each other.

As teachers, we can help children to learn and practice what can be called social judo or verbal self-defense. They can learn to use little scripts or statements when they experience different bullying situations. These scripts have been adapted from an adult model of assertiveness training. Children can learn what to say to a person who bullies.

It is not easy for young children, or adults for that matter, to declare their boundaries and say what is OK and not OK. With practice, children can learn to feel, or at least act confident, and tell someone to stop. I call these Stoppers.

Stoppers
That’s bullying me. Stop it.
If you are going to play with me, do it without bullying.
You’re trying to get a reaction and it’s not going to work.

Many of us already know how to use humour to deflect a remark. However, this can be a strategy that is taught to children. Giving a snappy comeback gives them a sense of confidence or power. These are Snappers.

Snappers
Has this been bothering you for long?
Wish you wouldn’t worry about me so much.

We also can teach the child who is watching to be able to stand up to the person who bullies and say, “Quit bullying, Sam. That’s not fair. Let’s just play the game.” In a way they are saving the person being bullied. I call these Savers.

Savers
Hey! Stop that! You’re being mean to her.
Lynn, are you OK? What she just did is wrong. Come with
me.

I believe this process can change the culture children experience from one of possible violence and uncertainty to one that assumes respect and responsibility. We can provide the language and the practice so that our children can feel safe and confident.

Beverly Brookman is a recently retired elementary school counsellor who has worked extensively with children, parents and teachers to develop strategies for bully proofing. As a teacher and counsellor at both the elementary and middle school level, she had the opportunity to explore and develop strategies that really work with children. Throughout her career she has had a consistent focus on developing cooperative, nonviolent approaches, teaching conflict resolution and teaching social literacy. She is the author of Names Will Never Hurt Me. Published by Pacific Edge Publishing.
www.pacificedgepublishing.com