Winter 2005

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WRESTLING RHINOS.... AT SCHOOL

Managing Intolerable Conflict

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

What to do? There is someone at work you really have difficulty liking. It may be mild or it may be on your mind long before you get to school in the morning. This can have a devastating effect on your day, not to mention on your career. Recently it was reported that, aside from promotion and better salary, most people leave their positions because of expressed or unexpressed conflict at work. So, you’re in good company!

That information is stunning because it demonstrates the need for pro-active communication and conflict management training in the workplace. Equip yourself with these skills. They will be endlessly useful in all areas of your life. When I work on these skills with corporate and education groups, you can feel the relief in the air. Folks feel a greater sense of self-confidence when they have the skills to confront difficulties. Makes sense, doesn’t it? If your workplace is suffering, work with your staff and association to have the issue recognized and addressed. Just one or two days of training can make an enormous difference in improving your competence, comfort and confidence!

Think of the lack of productivity that the stress of conflict creates. Who can attend to their work when they are concerned about possible confrontations, accusations or cold shoulders? People have feelings. Feelings are powerful. Fear is one of the most powerful, and that’s what’s showing up when you work in a tension-filled environment. There is enough tension in the creativity and the deadlines that normal, productive work creates. Who needs tension caused by fear, poor communication and small minds?

START WITH YOURSELF

The first and most important thing to do is to exam your own behaviour. How are you treating that person you perceive as difficult? Is there anything in your posture, facial expression or tone of voice that prevents friendly interaction? Often, when you have already decided that you don’t like someone, or, that they don’t like you, that attitude is conveyed in your non-verbal communication. Work on yourself first.

INVITE COMMUNICATION

Invite the other person out for coffee after work. This is a discovery time. Learn more about them. Are they having difficulties in their life outside of school? What interests them? What might you have in common that could move your relationship in a better direction? Spend this time learning.

OK, you have nothing in common. They were miserable and close-mouthed. Nothing good came from it. Good. You now know that you made the effort and can rest comfortably with that. Next step, ask them for a meeting with a staff representative or local association president. This takes courage, but, how much courage is it currently taking just to show up every day? However, this is not a let-me-fix-you type of meeting. Prepare for the meeting by creating a list of open-ended questions that will hopefully create discussion between you such as

“How can we improve the relationship between us?”

“What can we do to work together more collaboratively?”

Signify your willingness to create a workable relationship.

SEEK RESOLUTION

What if the other person is not even mildly interested in conversing about change? That is when you have a decision to make. Live with it, or take it to the next level.

The next level involves bringing a mediator into the conversation, a person who is willing to facilitate the situation because it is in the best interest of the workplace. There may be other people on your team who are experiencing the same difficulties with the same person. This makes change more imperative. Be clear about the benefits for all concerned of managing this issue.

No matter how it seems, no one really likes conflict. Some people create it because it makes them feel they have a modicum of control. Others create it as a cover for how little they are doing. Others have their own reasons and needs for keeping things in an uproar. You, though, are always at choice. You can always do something to remove the tension even if it means making a career shift. Sometimes, it’s worth it, but only after you have done everything in your power to improve things. Confrontation is not a four-letter word!

Founder of the Optimize! Institute in San Diego, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler’s mission is to give people worldwide the skills to communicate in ways that are totally honest and totally kind at the same time. Author of many books and audio programs, she is an internationally respected speaker, facilitator and coach. A transplanted Canadian, Dr. Shaler worked in the British Columbia School System for twenty-six years. You can get her “Rhino Wrestler” ezine free at:
http://www.OptimizeInstitute.com