WRESTLING RHINOS.... AT SCHOOL: Are You Being Heard?

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Do you stop and pay attention when someone speaks to you? Do you look at the speaker? Are you fully present? This is the most efficient and effective use of your time. How so? It is far less likely that you will misunderstand, or have to ask for information to be repeated if you turn your attention to the speaker from the beginning.

The greatest compliment we can pay to another person is to truly listen to what they have to say. You’ve experienced the non-committal grunts, “Uh-huh’s” and “Oh, really’s” that indicate a person is hearing us but not listening to a word we say, right? There is a very big difference between hearing and listening. One uses only the ears, the other engages both the mind and the ears. When real listening occurs, the heart may also participate!

When I am offering seminars for teachers, I ask, “Have you ever been a ‘tummy talker’?” People laugh and ask what that is. You’ll recognize the scenario. You are working with a group of students and another student approaches with a question or request. Rather than looking up into the face of that student and giving them full attention for the scarce two seconds required, you turn your head and respond. The only part of the child you see is their tummy. Children and teens deserve to be seen. Even if the response you make is that it is not an appropriate time to ask, look them in the eye. SEE them!

TAKE THE TIME TO PREPARE

Do folks truly listen when you speak? There are ways to increase the likelihood that your messages are being received. When you have something important to communicate or ask, take the time to prepare. Ask yourself, “What do I want the outcome of this conversation to be?” Work backwards from there.

When you are speaking, you want to be heard. Otherwise, what would be the purpose of speaking? The same is true for everyone else. Preparing well will help you move toward the desired result of the conversation.

KNOW HOW TO GARNER ATTENTION

First, use the name of person to whom you are speaking. Everyone likes to hear their name and it gives them a moment to turn their attention to you.

If you wish to speak to someone about something that is very important or sensitive, ask them if this is a good time to talk. If it is not, set an appointment to talk at a specific time in the near future. There is no point in trying to talk to someone who is preoccupied, or whose priorities may be overriding your message at this moment.

Know what you want to say before you begin. It shows respect for the listener to have gathered your thoughts and prepared your approach before you initiate an important conversation.

If people are obviously not listening, do not continue to talk. The pregnant pause becomes very obvious to them and encourages them to refocus on your message. Stop talking until the receiver becomes aware of the silence.

When you want to focus another’s attention, shift your position to eliminate any distractions he or she might see behind you, or move closer to them in a non-menacing fashion to achieve more communication “closeness.”

If your listener’s eyes are wandering, use a gesture to return their attention to you. Lift your upwardly pointed index finger into their line of sight to make a point. Once they are focused on your movement and your finger, slowly bring it back to just under your chin. This will cause them to refocus on you and your words.

In a meeting, ask others to take notes. Just simply say, “Do me a favor and take a couple of quick notes about this because it is important.” You’ll be surprised when people just automatically pick up their pens and begin to write.

Demonstrate that you are listening by checking for assumptions and accuracy. Often, folks want to appear that they understand a speaker. They might have a fear of appearing uninformed, or wish to appear more informed than they are. So, they just nod their heads and indicate agreement and understanding. This is dangerous. Be aware of the habit of thinking you know what others are saying...or, worse, what they are thinking. You are likely not a mind reader. Don’t risk behaving like one. Go for clarification. Ask them. “Do I have this right?” “Have I captured the gist of what is important to you?” That sends a clear message of desire to communicate and learn. You are then demonstrating good communication skills.

Students need to be taught to encapsulate your messages as well. Ask them to tell you what you have said. No, not in a parroting fashion. Try this:

“I want to be sure that I have been clear in what I have said to you. Would you tell me what you got from what I’ve said, please? I want us to understand each other.”

Remember, the responsibility for communication rests with you. Just because you said something does not mean it was heard. That often happens when talking with teens. You may have noticed!

Your messages are important to your relationships. Use these tips to increase your effectiveness. Don’t just be heard. That’s just a job for ears. You want to be listened to with both ears and brain engaged. Demonstrate your willingness to listen in these ways and relationships improve. Genuine interest and full attention cannot be beat for strengthening relationships.

Founder of the Optimize! Institute in San Diego, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler’s mission is to give people worldwide the skills to communicate in ways that are totally honest and totally kind at the same time. Author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and more than a dozen books and audio programs available in nine languages, she is an internationally respected speaker, facilitator and coach. A transplanted Canadian, Dr. Shaler worked in the British Columbia School System for twenty-six years. You can subscribe to her free ezine, ‘The Rhino Wrestler’ at: www.OptimizeInstitute.com