WRESTLING RHINOS.... AT SCHOOL: Getting Issues Out

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I arrived at a British Columbia school early one morning to offer a workshop. Getting out of the car, I saw a colleague I had not seen for a few years. Delighted, I leapt from the car and gave him a hug. Good start to the morning!

Looking for that first important cup of coffee, I went to the staff room and my friend came in. We caught up with each other in animated discussion. And then the seminar began.

Within only ten minutes, the tension among that staff was palpable. Here we were going to spend the day talking about “Improving School Climate” and I was simultaneously surrounded by heat and frigidity—depending on which face I focused on. We did the usual ice-breaking kinds of activities to begin the day. That seemed somewhat futile at the time. They kept their icebergs submerged below a thin thermal blanket of pleasantness, but they were lurking all the same.

We made it through lunch. At that point, I could not ignore the hostility and pain any longer. I could not simply return to Vancouver leaving them and their pain behind if it were possible to alter that school climate. I closed the doors, sat up on the desk, and pointedly asked,

“What’s really going on here?”

After a couple of icy, uncomfortable minutes, a woman stood up and spoke with tears running down her face,

“As I’m retiring, I’ll tell you. We have one staff member who thinks differently than the majority of us and he is outspoken. We all disagree with him and the choices he is making affect us all. Some of us respect his right to his opinion and his activism, but many don’t and they, too, are vocal. It’s tearing us apart and making it so that we hate to come to school in the mornings.”

After thanking her for speaking up, I encouraged others to speak. It was slow, but it happened. The picture was painted and folks clearly saw the many sides of the issue. Finally, the last person spoke. He had little choice after so much was said about him. He took responsibility for his opinions, gave his reasons and expressed that it was not his intention to cause dissension, only his fervent belief in his point of view.

Clearly, there was more than one issue here. Although they would not dare express it verbally, their faces and bodies surely did. Not only was this gentleman thinking differently than they were, he looked different. He was the only Indo-Canadian on staff. In fact, he was the only visible minority. And he was my friend.

The rest of the afternoon went by quickly as we listened, clarified, unpacked and reassembled the feelings and issues…great moments of frustration and angst along with the relief of finally speaking the truth. There were tears and the occasional raised voice AND we persevered. Although I almost missed my plane, we actually got to reconciliation and understanding with a fledgling plan for resolution and next steps. I wished for another day to spend with these folks.

How long would the tension have gone on? How many folks would have considered using sick leave to avoid it? What would have been the cost to the students from this tension? How about the effects on teachers’ families?

What are we thinking when we do not recognize that schools are about people and that people come first? If teachers do not have the people skills to manage workplace relationships, then how can they possibly teach students to communicate, manage conflict and anger, and negotiate effectively?

You simply cannot teach anything but what and who you are. Certainly, information transmission can occur. Textbooks can be followed. Appropriate DVDs can be shown. All the right curriculum materials can be employed. Yet, you cannot get around one fact: students not only get a year of Grade Five or Ten, they get a year of you, the teacher. Your attitudes, biases, passions, concerns, thoughts and issues are transmitted, too. When you are angry, students know it. When you are compassionate, students know.
You cannot not communicate. No matter how carefully you think you are concealing your feelings, it is unlikely. Non-verbal communication will give you away. Eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression, and posture will say volumes about what you are thinking and feeling. So it is best to learn to communicate clearly, consciously and constructively. Helping students to do the same is a gift.

You cannot sublimate feelings without a cost. You may think that you can keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself…and you can. The cost can be high. Do it too long and your body will likely rebel and speak up more loudly than you expect. Your outside relationships will suffer along with your health. Families have been known to fall apart.
You are 100% responsible for teaching people how to treat you. There is wisdom in keeping things to yourself until you have thought them through and edited. It is also wise to consider carefully your delivery method and style before opening your mouth. Know where your boundaries are and learn to express them clearly.

It all comes down to boundaries.

Do you have good boundaries? Do you clearly know the limit or edge that defines you as separate from others? Boundaries can be somewhat flexible, however, you are in charge of how and when they flex or hold. Your boundaries must keep you feeling safe.
Take good care of yourself. Express yourself clearly. Use language that allows listeners to understand that you are not foisting your opinion on them, but are sharing your thinking. Ask them to do the same. Certainly, there are times when we want to impress our convictions on others. We do that by being logical and well-thought out, not by getting louder or threatening.
Clearly tell other people where your boundaries are and what the consequences of crossing them are. It is important to be factual, not threatening. Simply say,

“When _______________ happens, it doesn’t work for me. What would work is ________________. I hope you will respect that and we can move forward together.”

Boundaries bring your life into order. Holding your boundaries exercises your right to define yourself and your relationships with others. Withholding your thoughts, feelings, concerns and needs makes it impossible for others to accept and accommodate them.
Be as willing to listen as to speak. Establish good balance there and you will be happier and more effective at work.

Founder of the Optimize! Institute in San Diego, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler’s mission is to give people worldwide the skills to communicate in ways that are totally honest and totally kind at the same time. Author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and many other books and audio programs, she is an internationally respected speaker, facilitator, coach & author. Her books are in seven languages. A transplanted Canadian, Dr. Shaler worked in the British Columbia School System for twenty-six years. Invite her to work with your administrators, educators, parents and support staff. Get her ‘Rhino Wrestler’ ezine free at: www.OptimizeInstitute.com