WRESTLING RHINOS.... AT SCHOOL: DISASTER AVERTED

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It’s 3:30. The end of the day was never more welcome. As you leave your classroom, down the hall comes your most vocal parent—and with a full head of steam, too! This is the last thing you needed or wanted when visions of a quiet cup of coffee with your feet up was next on your agenda. No pleasantries exchanged, only, “What do you think you are doing? Giving my daughter permission to go traipsing around the countryside babysitting a volleyball team. Michelle needs to concentrate on her academics. She needs to improve. Who do you think you are to make that decision?”

Your head is spinning, blind-sided. You thought you were rewarding his daughter with what she most wanted. You had thought about the balance between her academics and sports. You are a caring, thoughtful teacher. Where is this coming from? And, today!

You are tired. Your hackles rise and you feel unfairly accused. That quiet cup of coffee is drifting away from you and, in its place, there is this screaming obstacle. Why me? Why now?

Scenarios like this happen frequently. A parent, principal, co-worker or student behaves in unexpected ways. They have surprising reactions or points of view. And you become the object of their ire. This is the time you most need excellent, well-practiced communication, conflict and anger management, and negotiation skills. This is just the time when you wish you had taken that course on the last in-service day!

Although your defenses rise to protect you, this is not the time to express them. Do not explain yourself early in this conversation, either. That only adds fuel to the fire. This is the time to do what Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then, to be understood.” Simple. But, not necessarily easy.

When you feel unjustly accused, you want to defend. Take a breath in through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth. Let it relax your body as you compose yourself. You do not want to get your knickers in a knot, as well. That will degenerate the conversation into a contest!

Responsibility. If both parties in a potential confrontation are angry, defensive or blaming, there is little likelihood of any resolution. It may take much more effort to be the calm, clear-thinking person in the mix, but, it is true that whoever is most sane is responsible for the relationship. Let that be you...in all cases.

Keep cool. His anger is not about who you are and may not even be about something you have done. The parent owns the anger and you really have no idea what is going on in his mind—or in his day—that has brought him to your door in this state. Don’t take it on. Don’t rush to defend.

Remember first, only parents who care come to school. Hold on to that thought as you remind yourself to focus on what is going on with the parent. This man cares about his daughter. He is concerned with her academic success. He has already given you an indication his fear is that managing the volleyball team will detract from her focus.

Test for accuracy. “I’m glad you’ve come to discuss this. I know that you are concerned with your daughter’s grades. Am I right in thinking that you are worried that travel with the team will cause her grades to suffer, or is it something else?”

Testing for accuracy gives you two advantages: you let the parent know you were listening, and, you cause him to clarify his issues. By focusing on understanding the parent, you are giving your body and mind time to settle as well. That allows you to bring your best to the conversation. Remember, you wanted to go home and relax, not go home wanting to punch a wall!

Ask for solutions. When someone is angry and has invested the time and energy to talk to you, he likely has a desired outcome in mind. He may simply want a place to vent, to be heard, to blame or complain. He may have pain and he thinks venting will make it go away. You seemingly have been chosen as the lucky target.

By this point in the conversation, anger is likely subsiding. When you genuinely ask the parent what he thinks is the best course of action, you are gaining further insight. Keep asking.

Demonstrate your shared interests.
“I want your daughter to do well academically, too. We both have that as a priority. I want to assure you that I made the decision regarding the volleyball team with that in mind. In my professional opinion, she will handle both well. Do you have any indication that this is not the case?”

You again demonstrate your interest in Michelle and your respect for the parent’s opinion. When you do this, there is nothing for the parent to push against. You are both on the same side, playing for the same team.

Disaster averted. Face saved. Your reward: that quiet cup of coffee, your feet up and a pat on the back.

Founder of the Optimize! Institute in San Diego, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler’s mission is to give people worldwide the skills to communicate in ways that are totally honest and totally kind at the same time. Author of “Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work” and m any other books and audio programs, she is an internationally respected speaker, facilitator and coach. A transplanted Canadian, Dr. Shaler worked in the British Columbia School System for twenty-six years. You can get her “Rhino Wrestler” ezine free at:
http://www.OptimizeInstitute.com